What Matters Most

I am so excited to write this series!

This is something that truly brings joy to my heart!  Over the next few weeks, I will be posting a series of reflective pieces to help you get to what matters most in you life.  We are so busy, we have so many demands on our time which makes it so very difficult to hear that small voice that we should be listening to.  We choose to work overtime instead of going to our son’s basketball game or our daughter’s recital.  We make these trade-offs all the time and just hope things will get better.  The days turn into months and then to years with still no change.

Each time you make an unworthy compromise or sacrifice,
it’s like selling a piece of your soul.

What Matters Most will help you discover the heart of the matters you face.  These pieces will serve to facilitate clarity and focus.  I honestly believe it is possible to have it all!  Take the time for yourself each day to visit this page and complete the reflection. A journey of a thousand miles begins with just one step…enjoy the journey!

Day 1 – Big Rocks

View my blog post Big Rocks by clicking here.   Once you have read the post, think about the big rocks that are important to you.  Your Big Rocks could be spending more time with family, traveling, having a satisfying and rewarding career, going back to school, etc…  Jot them down.  These are the things that are most important to you.  How much time are you allocating to your big rocks?  If one of your big rocks is spending time with family, how much time per day are you spending with your family?  You may find that the activities that you consume yourself with daily, aren’t the things that matter most to you.  If it’s important for you to travel, and you haven’t left the state in the last 3 years then that’s something to think about.

With this exercise, try not to analyze your big rocks.  This is more of a brainstorming session.  Brainstorming about 5-7 big rocks is a good start.  As you begin to look over your list, you will probably come to the realization that what you care about most is neglected in your daily activities.  When you sacrifice what your heart truly longs for it causes stress, discontent and frustration in your personal and professional life.

Day 2 – Excuses

This is the only time I will allow for excuses in this series!  So whatever your excuses are, speak now or forever hold your peace!  Look at your Big Rocks list that you completed on Day 1.  Look at what you currently engage in on a daily basis.  Are you actively engaging activities that truly matter to you or are you too busy with other things that really don’t matter at all?  If your big rocks are  to be financially independent, to travel, spend time with family and friends, forge better relationships with those you love and to explore your creative side and you are doing all these things or working towards them (and making progress) then wonderful!  You get a gold star!

But for the rest of us, we will see that the gap between what we truly cherish and what we actually do is as wide as the grand canyon!  Now,  I ask “what’s keeping you back?”  Go ahead and list all your excuses now.  All the excuses why you can’t, should have and would have.  Every single excuse why you can’t live a life on purpose, write them down.  Every fear, every past failure, everything…write it down.

Understand that excuses are just coping mechanisms to make it easier to live under your purpose.  So go ahead and write down all the reasons why you are not living to your full potential.  It is important to be honest and truthful for this reflection.

Day 3 – Let It Go

Can I ask you to do something for you?  I want you to take a radical step in the direction of your destiny.  A destiny that you shape, not one controlled by your circumstances and not-so-great choices.  Are you ready?  I want you to…

Let it go!

Take the piece of paper with your list of excuses and release them.  You shred it, you can burn it (safely), you can ball it up…it’s your choice.  This is not to say that some of the things you listed don’t hold any weight. I fully understand that debt, lack of resources or other circumstances are very real.  But I want you to understand that while this may be your current reality, it does not determine your future.  You are not a victim of your circumstances, you must be ready, able and willing to rise above adversity to live your best life now.

Begin to replace the “I cant’s” with “I can”.  As soon as you say that you can’t, you close the door to the possibilities you reject any notion that anything is possible.  Stop saying, what you could do if you didn’t have _________ (fill in the blank).  No more excuses!  An excuse is the biggest enemy of progress.  Stop holding yourself back!

Face your current “constraints” and resolve to fix them if you can or accept them if you can’t and then to keep moving in the path that your heart is leading you.  Let the excuses go!

Day 4: Overcoming FEAR

Once upon a time, fear was a good thing.  Fear helped humans life another day by keeping them away from harm.  Today, most fear that we have has been developed by the information we’ve heard, what people have said and our own experiences.  Fear can serve to keep you back.  You may not be living a life you truly want because you fear that if you change your situation, something bad will happen. You fear that the company you want to start may fail, leaving you broke, homeless and humiliated.  Fear is a beast.  Today, choose not to let fear hold you back.

A life coach who I think is awesome, Deborah George-Feres of Indigo Coaching Systems based out of Maryland says that FEAR is nothing more than False Expectations Appearing Real.  That is, false expectations of unfavorable outcomes.  You think if you do X, then Y may happen…and Y is bad…  You can fill in the blanks with your own X and Y.  Get the point?

For so long, I was afraid to open my heart and love freely because I feared that my heart would be broken.   The result was poor relationships and me giving less than my partner deserved.  For so long, I was afraid to be who I really am because I feared what negative things people might say.  But then I realized, so what!  People would say what they want anyway.  I can’t live my life based on what other people think, that would drive me crazy!  So I choose to be authentic and true to myself.

If fear is holding you back, I want you make a list of the worst that could happen and then make a list of the best that can happen.   Yes, it’s true sometimes despite our best intentions, things do not always go our way.  That’s life.  But if you allow fear to control your actions you will never become the person God intended you to be.  Write your list, face your fears and move strategically toward your dreams.  Whatever you do, don’t just stand still!  Life waits for no one, don’t get passed by!

Day 5: Write the Vision, Make It Plain

You have a dream, goals, hopes and desires.  There is something or somethings that you want to see come to pass.  Despite your current circumstances, you have desires in your heart that if you could wave a wand would make happen.  What’s your vision?  Today’s exercise is to create a vision board.  You can draw, paste or copy pictures of things that represent your vision.  Look at your big rocks, (see Day 1) these are the things that are important to you; now make it a visual.  Seeing is believing!  This should be fun, so be as creative as you like.  This is not a task this is an exercise to help bring out what dwells in you, what you really want to attain to achieve the life you dream.  Now, go for it!

Day 6: It’s Not The Critic Who Counts!
I often wonder if people spent the same amount of time making themselves better as they do talking about, criticizing and belittling others how much better off the world would be.  It is a lot easier to point fingers and to find fault in others than to fix the things that are wrong with us.  Let’s not spend any more time worrying about what she wore, what he said and what they did.  Take time to know who you are, take an account of your strengths and weaknesses.  If it doesn’t serve, don’t do it, don’t say it.  Often times we are most critical of others simply because we are envious.  I know that’s a hard pill to swallow, but it’s true.  Choose to better yourself, choose to uplift others with praise, give positive feedback, be quicker to say something that will help than to judge.

It’s not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or when the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement; and who at the worst if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat.
-Theodore Roosevelt

Day 7: The Freedom of Choice
One thing I can’t stand to hear people say is “I didn’t have any other choice”, that is the biggest untruth on the face of the earth!  We always have choices, albeit, choices have consequences but we still have a choice.  When you give yourself over to the “I don’t have any choice” attitude then you become a victim.  A victim of circumstance, a victim of the life that you have made.  Many of us sit in a dead-end job, unhappy relationships and other self-defeating circumstances laboring under the illusion that we don’t have a choice.  Honestly, what you are really are saying is that your mind and will is too weak to change and you don’t have enough self-esteem to realize the power of choice.  If that stings, good!  The refining process is not one without a bit of pain.

There is power in your choices.  Some people are so afraid (see Day 4) of making the “wrong” choice that they do nothing and life makes the choice for them.  Others don’t want to make a choice that doesn’t yield the desired results, fearful of what others might say or think.  There is nothing wrong with making a choice and then choosing something else.  For example, if you decide to be a web designer and then later decide you want to be a nurse, go for it!  What’s wrong with choosing choice A or choice A and then choice B?  Who cares what people think.  It’s your life, your decision.  Don’t be afraid to excercise your freedom of choice!  The only walls around you are the ones you create!

Day 8: Count It All Joy!

Here’s where it gets a bit tricky! What if I told you right where you are is exactly where you are supposed to be? When I was introduced to this concept while reading one of Iyanla Vanzant’s books I received instant clarity.  Right where you are is exactly where you are supposed to be, no matter how bad or how positive your circumstances.  In everything there is a reason and a master purpose.  This is not saying that you need to stay where you are or that you should delay pursuing your passions.  This is to say that there is a lesson in your situation that you need to learn in order to move on in your journey.  So wherever you are in life, whatever you may be feeling, count it all joy!  Know that your situation is temporary and that you are on a path for a better tomorrow.  After all, whats the use of complaining?  Negative attitudes consume much more energy than positive ones.  One of my favorite songs my the late Michael Jackson is Smile.  It’s a beautiful song about keeping your head up even in the darkest times.  In the song Michael says “You’ll find that life is still worthwhile, if you just…smile”.  So wherever you are, whatever you are feeling resist the urge to be defeated and count it all joy.  In the end, you will find that its your attitude that changes your situation despite the external circumstances.

Day 9: Get Thirsty for Knowledge

It never ceases to amaze me how many books are on the shelves when I walk into my favorite book store or local library.  I mean millions of millions of books, zillions of words on pages all knowledge available to us.  Your task is to begin find books that will enhance your life and inspire you.  If you seek improved relationships, there are plenty of books on the topic.  If you want to go back to school, there is a book on every subject.  You don’t know what you don’t know.  But the good thing is if you don’t know something, there is oodles of information available to you.  Sometimes it’s good to let the experience of others be your teacher.  I prefer to read books my people who have accomplished what I seek to accomplish because they can give me insight on how to get to where I seek to be.  Visit your local library or bookstore (on or offline) and find a book that will advance your cause.  Don’t just read the book study it.  If the author recommends something, try it.  Why not?  Be on the continual pursuit of knowledge, you will grow both personally and in your vocation.

Day 10 – Declutter

More is not magnificent.  More doesn’t mean you’re better.  Sometimes more is just, more! As a society we are obsessed with having the latest and greatest.  We buy because things are on sale or because we “think” may use this or that “one day”.  And we amass a collection of stuff that invades our homes and our mental space.  Clutter is a dis-service to your well-being, there is nothing good that can come from it.

Stuff and clutter is an energy drainer.  As a sit in my office at my desk I am surrounded by piles of books.  Books that I am sorting and giving away.  Nonetheless, the pile of clutter drains my energy.  There is a dramatic shift when I leave my office and enter my bedroom which is clutter-free, calm and relaxing.

How much clutter is in your life?

It’s time to get rid of excess baggage.  There is no time like the present to clean house.  Trash what you don’t use, no longer need or want.  Stop holding stuff for the “some day” that will probably never come.  Donate things that other people can use.  Join freecycle.org and to get rid of things that you no longer need but are in good working condition.

Excess, clutter and disorganization are energy drainers!  It’s time to clean house, do it ASAP and see your mental clarity improve greatly!